Babystalking: This is when you click through albums of a distant acquaintance’s belly growing/newborn baby/surprisingly cute toddler. I prefer to babystalk Hoesville girls because a) they miraculously stay rail thin but just have giant balloon bellies b) they are more likely to share gross information and then swear at people who comment “TMI!”
My Ex – Where are They Now?: Buzz over to your exes’ pages and see if they are still cute, still unemployed, still angry – whatever. You can also see if they are hanging out with new chicks, which leads to another kind of stalking ….
Is She Prettier Than Me?: The way people talk about this girl, it’s like she’s got “beer-flavored nipples or something,” as Heath Ledger says in 10 Things I Hate About You. You look her up and click through her profile pics album, trying to average out the hot black-and-white pics with the double chin smiles.
Searching for Signs of the Hand of Justice: This is when you look at mean people from high school in hopes that they’ve gotten fat.
Boyfriend Checking-Up-On: Every so often you check and see if some skanky hoe has been writing skanky things on your boyfriend’s Facebook wall, or if you are dating a depressed dude, you might analyze how morbid his statuses are.
Stalking Quasi Famous People: Boy are there a lot of quasi famous people now that the Internet can make anyone a celebrity in their chosen field. Sometimes, these people you admire will have an open Facebook, and then you can click through their drunk pics and hover your mouse over the “Add as Friend” button as you imagine your drunken future shenanigans together.
Vetting People You Recently Met: You met someone when you were out on the town and you want to decide if they are legit or not. This involves seeing where they work, what their ratio of funny to self-indulgently sexy Facebook pics are and whether or not they link to authentic media sites you also enjoy.
Stalking Yourself: Admit it, this is the most common stalking any of us do. We click through our own profile pics to see what a macro view of our lives would look like to an outsider. Will my new coworkers think I’m a stoner from my Facebook? Will the guy I just vetted from club Jager think I’m a sexpot? Have I gotten fatter or thinner since that pool party? Who am I?
via The Tangenital